As a marriage counselor, one of the thing that gives me much concern is how some couples allow issues that are so small or insignificant to crash their marriages, issues that some other couples laughed over.
Often, the question that is normally asked is whether it is normal for couples to argue? My answer is yes, it is perfectly normal for couples to argue.
The answer is yes because marriage is a union of two different individuals, and as long as they are two different individuals that are joined together in a marriage, they are bound to have conflicts of interests or views.
However, when we talk about arguments by couples, we are not referring to barking at each other violently but rather gently expressing one’s own view without interrupting the other person when he or she is speaking.
Moreover, we should realize that it is not the conflict per se that sinks a marriage relationship; rather it is how the conflicts or disagreements are handled.
In reality, it is whenever conflicts are poorly handled that it often leads to quarrels and a fight. It is this negative and destructive behavior that has the potential of causing great harm to a relationship and to the individuals involved.
This is an obvious fact which is necessary for couples to realize, it is constructive arguments that brings out the best out of couples. Couples who don’t argue, it means that one of them is a “yes member” and could be regarded a “dummy”, and has no input in their marriage relationships.
Often, there are men who don’t allow their wives to voice out their opinion on issues that affect their marriages. There are also women who voice out their views and oppositions and insist on having their ways. These are two extreme ends.
Couples should therefore realize that it is conflicts that help them to adjust to each other adequately. Of a truth, when couples have adjusted adequately to each other, they will observe that they will be two people of like minds.
For instance, I am enjoying the best of time in my own marriage today because my wife and I are well-adjusted to each other. We don’t allow our personal interest to come above our marriage relationship, and we have like minds.
For that reason, on many occasions, I had asked her to take decisions concerning certain issues in our marriage, and her decisions used to be exactly the way I have them in mind myself.
A good conflict management is really essential if couples are to enjoy a successful and exciting marriage and they can never manage their conflicts very well if they are not willing and ready to compromise.
Whenever you see two dogs playing, you will observe that they often fall for each other and as such, both comes out the winner and happy and fulfilled after playing.
In reality, it is when couples fail to manage their conflicts that you will hear such phrase as ”the problem with our marriage is irreconcilable differences”. Couples can never have irreconcilable differences if they are ready and willing to compromise for each other and for the sake of their marriage.
Of a truth, couples who say they have irreconcilable differences, both couples are self-centered or selfish. So as a woman, your husband has the final authority, this is the way God made it.
So it is wrong for any man to insist on having his way on any issue. Also, as a man, it is wrong of you to insist always on having your way without carrying your wife along; it is in your own interest to always consider her views and feelings.
Moreover, in any conflict or argument, that your spouse compromises, by allowing your own views to stand, you should never have this mind of trying to see yourself as a winner and your spouse a loser because of a good conflict management; everyone should come out a winner and a loser.
Woman, you should realize that the reason your husband many a time refuse to compromise is because he may feel that such compromise will undermine his ego and authority. If you want to enjoy your husband to the fullness, then you should never do anything that will tamper or undermine his ego.
As a woman therefore, you should realize that your husband’s egos gets punctured, whenever you abuse him or compare him with other men. In some men, one way they fight to regain their punctured egos is by beating their wives.
In reality, apart from men who are habitual drunkards who beat their wives under the influence of alcohol, most other men beat their wives as a result of verbal abuses from their wives.
In addition, most conflicts in some marriages are the result of the punctured ego of some men. As a result of punctured ego, the result is a transferred aggression from the man.
As a woman, if you want to enjoy your husband to the fullness, then learn to identify when his ego is down and do everything to boost it rather than helping to deflect it the more.
In most cases, a man’s ego is deflected when his wife in the society, trying to remind him of what other men had achieved that he has not or trying to remind him of some of the responsibilities he was not able to take care of.
For instance, I know a man, the man was literally weeping when I met him that evening. According to the man, he told me that he feel like dying as there is nothing he is doing on earth.
In fact, I met him on his way to the drinking parlor as he planned to go and drink to stupor as to forget the abuse of his wife, that evening, his wife verbally insulted him, telling him that if he feels that he is a real man, he should accomplish what some other men had accomplished.
I took the man home and after probing further on what was the issue, I found out that his wife had told him that he was not a real man; she went on to mention many things real men do for their families. The man’s ego was totally deflected by reason of the woman’s words.
Realizing that what the woman said was true, he first gave the woman some punching before he left his house devastated as he was telling himself that he was not a real man. So learn never to do or say anything to your husband that could deflect his ego because there are lots of conflicts that result from it.
Also, as a man, you should avoid having over bloated ego that which could not allow you to carry your wife along in taking decisions. I said this because there are men who because of their over bloated ego, they don’t allow their wives to talk at home.
The end result is that such couples end up having maladjustment in their marriage relationship. As I said, couples who have maladjustment in their marriage relationships, they can never enjoy their marriage to the fullness.
Until I come your way again, stay committed to your marriage and ensure that you manage very well every conflict that may arise in your marriage relationship. Shalom.